Bio:
Jan McDaniel is a writer from the Southeastern United States. A former newspaper reporter and college English instructor, she writes a blog column for the Alliance of Hope for suicide loss survivors and serves as an AOH forum moderator. On her website, she writes about her journey through traumatic grief after the suicide of her husband of over thirty years and how she found survival, connection and hope.
You can read some of Jan's published work on this page.
Jan McDaniel is a writer from the Southeastern United States. A former newspaper reporter and college English instructor, she writes a blog column for the Alliance of Hope for suicide loss survivors and serves as an AOH forum moderator. On her website, she writes about her journey through traumatic grief after the suicide of her husband of over thirty years and how she found survival, connection and hope.
You can read some of Jan's published work on this page.
Jan's Previously published articles in World of Psychology (blog at Psych Central):
WHAT I WISH I HAD SAID ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH AND SUICIDE
25 August 2020
Thirty years ago, the atmosphere surrounding mental health and suicide was very different than it is today, especially in some areas. Even today, where you live could affect the information, help, and reactions you receive. Since that time, I’ve learned a better way to respond when a loved one struggles.
If someone you care about changes in some way, something may be wrong. The difficulties go beyond available support. According to statistics, most people who ultimately end their lives are dealing with a mental illness or behavior disorder — whether they realize it or not — though this is not always true. Excessive stress or a combination of things can be factors that also might lead to thoughts of suicide.
Signs? Sometimes there are none. Sometimes changes in personality are complicated by attempts to self-medicate with substances like alcohol or drugs or excessive behaviors such as spending money wildly or doing something uncharacteristic such as making sudden major decisions about lifestyle or beliefs. These are just a few examples. Sometimes you may have only a vague feeling a problem exists; not everyone displays telltale behavior changes. To complicate matters, not all changes like this are serious, especially in the volatile teen years, though young people and children can become mentally ill.
If you think there might be a problem or if you feel you need help yourself, here is what I want you to know.
25 August 2020
Thirty years ago, the atmosphere surrounding mental health and suicide was very different than it is today, especially in some areas. Even today, where you live could affect the information, help, and reactions you receive. Since that time, I’ve learned a better way to respond when a loved one struggles.
If someone you care about changes in some way, something may be wrong. The difficulties go beyond available support. According to statistics, most people who ultimately end their lives are dealing with a mental illness or behavior disorder — whether they realize it or not — though this is not always true. Excessive stress or a combination of things can be factors that also might lead to thoughts of suicide.
Signs? Sometimes there are none. Sometimes changes in personality are complicated by attempts to self-medicate with substances like alcohol or drugs or excessive behaviors such as spending money wildly or doing something uncharacteristic such as making sudden major decisions about lifestyle or beliefs. These are just a few examples. Sometimes you may have only a vague feeling a problem exists; not everyone displays telltale behavior changes. To complicate matters, not all changes like this are serious, especially in the volatile teen years, though young people and children can become mentally ill.
If you think there might be a problem or if you feel you need help yourself, here is what I want you to know.
- Mental health is a spectrum that affects us all. We can fall on various points of the spectrum at different times in our lives, and stress does affect our mental health. Appropriate care is important just as it is for the rest of your body.
- There is no shame in seeking help for mental health or behavioral issues. If others disagree, they are either inexperienced or ill-informed. Be patient and either share what you learn with them or minimize contact if it hinders your well-being or that of your loved one.
- Millions of people live successful and productive lives while dealing with mental issues. Throughout human history, this includes some of the most creative, intelligent, and kind individuals. You can do this.
- There is always hope for improvement. Learning about your condition and following through with mental health professionals takes time, but if you feel you do not have a good match, seek help elsewhere. Staying with it is worth the effort. Today, there are many tools that can help.
- It’s okay to ask questions, and it’s okay to have boundaries that you ask others to respect.
- Support of all kinds can help. Family and friends, as well as professionals such as counselors and nutritionists, peers taking care of their own mental health, and support groups can be part of your wellness team.
- If you have co-occurring problems, these need to be addressed, too. Alcohol Anonymous (AA) meetings are offered virtually now as well as locally, and confidentiality is respected. Other groups operate in similar ways. Ask your doctor for guidance if you need help with withdrawing from drugs or alcohol. Counselors can help you work through relationship or family issues.
- The stress of life and of dealing with mental illnesses, behavioral disorders, and substance abuse or familial problems may seem overwhelming sometimes, but there are coping strategies and options for medications you can use. If thoughts of suicide seem like a way to escape, know that these are only thoughts, not truths. They are temporary. Yet, they are serious and can become consuming. Knowing these are lies and having resources, plans for coping, and a suicide crisis line handy is your best line of defense.
- Suicide leaves behind deep pain and destruction. The lives of loved ones and friends are changed forever, and the struggle to survive is difficult.
- If you love someone who is suicidal, don’t leave. Call for help. Be patient. Reassure him or her that your love is unconditional, that he or she can survive this, that things will get better. Repeat some of the information on this list to provide light in a dark place or sit quietly and listen to share your strength. Remind your loved one these feelings will pass.
- Also actively take care of your own mental health. Be in this together with those you love. Educate yourself. Ask doctors or counselors how you can help, even if it is just by sending them a letter that could shed light on the situation.
- Be courageous. Seek support, and involve yourself in appropriate groups like Al-Anon or Narc-Anon.
- Encourage your loved one by offering to take a walk outside with him or take on some of her chores.
- The future is unwritten. Whatever the problems are, they are not insurmountable though they certainly may feel that way.
HOW TO CREATE AN ICU FOR MIND AND BODY
19 August 2020
The importance of healing is often overlooked in modern society, yet some of the most effective strategies are simply achieved and inexpensive or free. Best of all, they work. In fact, they may seem, at first glance, to be so easy they couldn’t possibly help. During grief, after trauma, or for general well-being, these practices can help you create your own intensive care unit for your mind and body.
Just as you would not expect to heal from broken bones quickly, don’t take on too much before you’re ready. If other people do not understand what you are doing, that’s okay. You can explain or, if they are not receptive, continue what helps you whether they approve or not.
Be gentle with yourself. Resolve the problems you can. Let others go. Healing does not mean you can so back to the life you had before. In the case of losing a loved one, for example, you will always miss that person. That hurts. But you can find acceptance and peace, too. You can get to that place where sorrow and joy live side by side. Life can feel better.
Only you can decide what you need and when you need it. By believing it is possible to deal with life’s heartaches, you can not only survive the pain you are experiencing now but also thrive in a life that allows you to find productive ways to move forward. Start now.
19 August 2020
The importance of healing is often overlooked in modern society, yet some of the most effective strategies are simply achieved and inexpensive or free. Best of all, they work. In fact, they may seem, at first glance, to be so easy they couldn’t possibly help. During grief, after trauma, or for general well-being, these practices can help you create your own intensive care unit for your mind and body.
- Recognize the need for time apart from your normal routine. Investing time in yourself is important for everyday wellness and for giving yourself a chance to heal from specific emotional or physical wounds. Rare is the person who truly never worries or who does not encounter difficulties in this world, yet sometimes self-care is seen as weakness or selfishness. Nothing could be further from the truth.
- Dictate your schedule rather than letting your commitments control you and your time. Your work and social life will continue, but you can achieve a healthy balance by making sure you have enough time for rest and play. Prioritize the people and causes that are most important to you before you add other things to your calendar.
- Accept that this is a lifestyle change if these concepts are new to you. Be patient with yourself. Some benefits might be revealed sooner than others. Long-term, you may experience greater joy and satisfaction with your life, even if your current problems are not resolved. Everyone has challenges, but how you handle them matters.
- If you are trying to heal after a traumatic event or if your workplace/homelife is stressful, consider getting professional help. Start with a full medical checkup. From there, you can deal with physical symptoms and move toward dealing with emotional and/or mental health issues.
- If you feel overwhelmed, remind yourself why you are doing things differently now. Set aside time in each day, if possible, or as often as you can to relax, think, plan, and strategize.
- Use coping tools like breathing exercises and journaling to deal with anxiety and to calm yourself. Write down what activities are most effective for you. Each of us is an individual. It may be exercise that clears your mind, quiet time, or a combination of both.
- Find support through groups, organizations, or friends. Don’t forget about your spiritual needs. Reach out to those who will respect you and what you are going through.
- Work through problems one at a time. Often issues tangle to affect several areas (work, friendships, personal decisions). Approaching one main problem at a time can help you “comb out” these tangles and make your days more manageable.
- Be your own friend, not your worst critic. It’s easier to see what we think we’ve done wrong in a situation and to judge ourselves harshly for it. Keep in mind that no one is perfect. The things you notice most may be things no one else notices. Don’t try to be perfect. Forgive yourself and others.
- Stick with it. It’s normal to have good days and bad. Focus on the good. Find something for which to be grateful. Count your blessings. Notice small things that went right or that just made you feel better. Blue sky, kindness from a stranger. It all makes a difference.
Just as you would not expect to heal from broken bones quickly, don’t take on too much before you’re ready. If other people do not understand what you are doing, that’s okay. You can explain or, if they are not receptive, continue what helps you whether they approve or not.
Be gentle with yourself. Resolve the problems you can. Let others go. Healing does not mean you can so back to the life you had before. In the case of losing a loved one, for example, you will always miss that person. That hurts. But you can find acceptance and peace, too. You can get to that place where sorrow and joy live side by side. Life can feel better.
Only you can decide what you need and when you need it. By believing it is possible to deal with life’s heartaches, you can not only survive the pain you are experiencing now but also thrive in a life that allows you to find productive ways to move forward. Start now.
SUICIDE AFTER SUICIDE: WHAT WE MUST DO TO BREAK THE CYCLE
16 August 2020
Each day, from every corner of the world, people left in the devastating aftermath of suicide call out to other survivors of such loss wherever they gather. It is helpful to connect with people who have experienced similar tragedies and are trying to make sense of what happened to their lives.
Another, more painful reason they seek comfort from strangers is this: in the case of suicide, those who knew them best often withdraw or are unable to help because of misunderstanding and fear. Most do survive and go on to rebuild, but some experience multiple suicides and a few follow loved ones by ending their own lives.
As a survivor myself, I listen to their voices. I hear the pain they feel. I share it. And I try to pass on the positive things I’ve learned on my own grief journey.
Healing is possible.
It won’t always feel as heavy as it does now.
Love outlasts pain.
I’m an old-timer in the suicide loss survivor world. But I know some level of hurt will always be there, even as they find ways to honor lost loved ones and stitch their own lives back together. Understanding, acceptance, processing this grief … all are bits of a puzzle never to be completely worked, a mystery that changes lives forever.
Though these words were in print, I heard the despair as one parent asked, “Why are there so many 19-year-old sons dying by suicide?”
By now, it is common knowledge that the epidemic is growing and has been for quite a while. The current pandemic and its effects on jobs and the economy have added to the toll worldwide. For young children, teens, and adults of every age, there are no barriers to suicide, no 100-percent prevention methods. Love cannot stop a person from taking his or her life. Even constant vigilance can’t prevent such tragedies.
For all the work done in the prevention area — which is so very important — no economic class or race is immune to suicide. Little is known about survivors left behind, though that is beginning to change as survivors themselves speak out.
Suicide is now a public health problem as well as a mental health problem. What do we need to do to break this cycle?
Suicide isolates. It generates fear. A millennia of myths and disinformation have shrouded everything about suicide in a cloak of secrecy. So, the first and most important thing we can do is tear that cloak away and find out what is true and what is false. The second most important thing to do is to share the truths we find with others, especially younger generations whose life experience and knowledge base may not be as developed on the issue.
Research and education can only go so far in changing how suicide is viewed. And the challenge is great as can be proven by sharp division over something as simple as the infection-prevention method of wearing masks to help stop the spread of COVID-19. If people can be so divided by today’s spread of myths and disinformation related to the pandemic, what hope is there for increased understanding of suicide and its aftereffects?
Hope comes in many forms. Here are a few.
Don’t turn away. Find out what might help survivors after a suicide and implement that. Community education programs guided by mental health centers or local mental health professionals need to set up in every area, large and small. The resources already present need to receive support and funding to help get their materials and opportunities out to communities.
Spread the truth. Materials about suicide prevention and suicide loss aftercare are available and should be explained to every outlet that deals with possible suicide victims. Fire departments, law enforcement, EMS units, hospitals, local counselors and mental/behavioral health centers, doctors, civic organizations, food banks and other relief organizations. Educate your local news outlets as well. Well-written news stories do not sensationalize suicide, but they can offer hope and resources that actually prevent suicide contagion and clusters.
Do what you can. When a suicide occurs in your community, do something. Coordinate with churches or relief groups to send a representative to the family. Bring a “care kit” containing information about local and online support, a fact sheet about suicide, a book about surviving this kind of loss, and other items that might provide care in the first days and weeks post loss. Even a case of bottled water and encouragement to stay hydrated can help.
Invite speakers. Ask people with related experience to present material and answer questions in schools, churches, places of employment and other locations. From college campuses to fall festivals, reaching people is important.
Saving lives begins and ends with you.
16 August 2020
Each day, from every corner of the world, people left in the devastating aftermath of suicide call out to other survivors of such loss wherever they gather. It is helpful to connect with people who have experienced similar tragedies and are trying to make sense of what happened to their lives.
Another, more painful reason they seek comfort from strangers is this: in the case of suicide, those who knew them best often withdraw or are unable to help because of misunderstanding and fear. Most do survive and go on to rebuild, but some experience multiple suicides and a few follow loved ones by ending their own lives.
As a survivor myself, I listen to their voices. I hear the pain they feel. I share it. And I try to pass on the positive things I’ve learned on my own grief journey.
Healing is possible.
It won’t always feel as heavy as it does now.
Love outlasts pain.
I’m an old-timer in the suicide loss survivor world. But I know some level of hurt will always be there, even as they find ways to honor lost loved ones and stitch their own lives back together. Understanding, acceptance, processing this grief … all are bits of a puzzle never to be completely worked, a mystery that changes lives forever.
Though these words were in print, I heard the despair as one parent asked, “Why are there so many 19-year-old sons dying by suicide?”
By now, it is common knowledge that the epidemic is growing and has been for quite a while. The current pandemic and its effects on jobs and the economy have added to the toll worldwide. For young children, teens, and adults of every age, there are no barriers to suicide, no 100-percent prevention methods. Love cannot stop a person from taking his or her life. Even constant vigilance can’t prevent such tragedies.
For all the work done in the prevention area — which is so very important — no economic class or race is immune to suicide. Little is known about survivors left behind, though that is beginning to change as survivors themselves speak out.
Suicide is now a public health problem as well as a mental health problem. What do we need to do to break this cycle?
Suicide isolates. It generates fear. A millennia of myths and disinformation have shrouded everything about suicide in a cloak of secrecy. So, the first and most important thing we can do is tear that cloak away and find out what is true and what is false. The second most important thing to do is to share the truths we find with others, especially younger generations whose life experience and knowledge base may not be as developed on the issue.
Research and education can only go so far in changing how suicide is viewed. And the challenge is great as can be proven by sharp division over something as simple as the infection-prevention method of wearing masks to help stop the spread of COVID-19. If people can be so divided by today’s spread of myths and disinformation related to the pandemic, what hope is there for increased understanding of suicide and its aftereffects?
Hope comes in many forms. Here are a few.
Don’t turn away. Find out what might help survivors after a suicide and implement that. Community education programs guided by mental health centers or local mental health professionals need to set up in every area, large and small. The resources already present need to receive support and funding to help get their materials and opportunities out to communities.
Spread the truth. Materials about suicide prevention and suicide loss aftercare are available and should be explained to every outlet that deals with possible suicide victims. Fire departments, law enforcement, EMS units, hospitals, local counselors and mental/behavioral health centers, doctors, civic organizations, food banks and other relief organizations. Educate your local news outlets as well. Well-written news stories do not sensationalize suicide, but they can offer hope and resources that actually prevent suicide contagion and clusters.
Do what you can. When a suicide occurs in your community, do something. Coordinate with churches or relief groups to send a representative to the family. Bring a “care kit” containing information about local and online support, a fact sheet about suicide, a book about surviving this kind of loss, and other items that might provide care in the first days and weeks post loss. Even a case of bottled water and encouragement to stay hydrated can help.
Invite speakers. Ask people with related experience to present material and answer questions in schools, churches, places of employment and other locations. From college campuses to fall festivals, reaching people is important.
Saving lives begins and ends with you.
