guest post and photo by Ari
I think of my son when I see a sunrise. The promise of a new day, new beginnings, new adventures. It's all hard to reconcile with the fact that he does not get to experience any of it, but the beauty of the colors fills my heart each time anyway. I think he is in those colors that brighten the sky, slowly and with so much beauty. He tells me, somehow in my heart and in my mind, that it is okay to enjoy the beauty, that it is okay to feel that pull of a new day's adventure and promise.
The other day I was playing around with my watercolors, trying - not too successfully - to recreate the sunrise from that morning. The magentas, blues, greys, and oranges that lit up the sky were so gorgeous I knew I could never paint it, but as I put colors on the page I was having fun, dancing around as the music played on the radio. The next song that started playing was my son's song, the song that makes me think of his beautiful smile, and his goofy dance around the house whenever he heard it playing. It is branded in my heart, and in my mind as his song, and it always brings both joy and sadness. The dual feelings that we all experience with some things on this grief journey.
His song playing at that particular moment, as I was enjoying one of my very favorite activities, and thinking of him as I did it, made me sure that he was there, watching his mom enjoy a moment in her life, and cheering her on. These moments come quite often for me - my son darts into my mind at odd times, sometimes unexpectedly, as when I see my favorite tree outside festooned with the year's first snow, or when I am getting ready for bed and my old house creaks by his old bedroom as if he is saying goodnight, and sometimes in everyday life moments at work when I see his favorite number, or while having coffee with friends and someone orders his favorite muffin.
He is close to me always, for he lives in my heart now. To see him all I have to do is close my eyes and he appears smiling, always smiling.
When will we see them again? Find them in graceful moments in nature, or mundane moments throughout your day, or just close your eyes.
They are there - with us always.
Way for Hope
Losing someone you love is difficult, but it can mean a lot to hear from others traveling similar paths.
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Links of Value:
Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Word of God
"My Story" Big Daddy Weave
"Hope in Front of Me"
The Joy FM
Traumatic loss or preexisting conditions can worsen mental health. Use this info graphic to find help.
"Take Charge of Your Mental Health" - a free download from www.nami.org: