by Jan McDaniel

One of the most torturous aspects of grieving is the change in the way we view past events. Revelations, insights, and traumatizing guilt - true or not - can haunt a survivor for years. These may come in sudden flashes at the beginning or be discovered along the grief journey, but they are part of the process. Separating what is from what might have been is one of the primary tasks of grief. To help you deal with blame and regret, I have listed below some of the most common reactions after loss and ways to handle them.

• Why didn't I see this coming?  Whether you knew your loved one was suffering or not, there are bound to be questions like this in the aftermath of loss. The moments or days before death, older memories that now jump out in your mind like warning signs, common sense connections visible only when it is too late to change things, new information … all add to the burden you carry now. Like rocks in a backpack, they can weigh you down with self-blame, negativity, guilt, and regret, but you do not have to carry them forever. It helps to talk about them with others who understand or with a mental health professional. It helps to remind yourself they are the products, chiefly, of regret that the loss happened. You did not want this to happen. Truthfully, we often think we have more control over situations and other people than we do. Working through grief will lead you to a place where regret is a more healthy emotion. You can learn to check your thoughts and direct them.
• Shame. Guilt may lead to shame. Examine who you were, who you are now, and who you want to become as you work through thoughts that loop back on themselves over and over. Understand that this is not a "one-and-done" step. Rephrase your thoughts ("I'm feeling not self-blame but regret for the life we could have had if he had been able to get well."). Work toward forgiving yourself and your loved one. Reinforce your work with meaningful quotes from others. 
• Why didn't I know what was going on? This is a different question from the above. Even those closest to you might hide something, either things they are doing in their lives or how they are coping.  Sometimes, especially in the cases of mental illness, they are not aware themselves of what is happening to them or why, or they may not want to be a burden to others though we who are left would not feel that way. Normally, we live our lives not thinking of dying or losing those we love though we know it is possible at any moment. We are only human and cannot know or handle everything.
• I feel hollow, numb, but others tell me I need to let go and resume my life instead of being selfish. Loss takes us out of our normal state. First, shock and then grief plunge us into a place where former joy and happiness seem forever lost. This comes from feeling pain like we have never felt before. Each must find his or her own way, no matter what time that takes. It is not selfish to grieve; it is a marker of love. Recovery is possibly, but life has changed. To rebuild takes courage, support, and work, but healing happens. Be patient. Keep going. The pain will fade, but you do not have to let go of the love you shared. Hold on and ask others to understand. You will find your way.
• Why me? Why my loved one? Mourning is soul-shredding work. But in the processing is relief and, more importantly, a deeper understanding of life, love, and compassion. What is often found is a desire to make meaning from the loss, a drive to go forward to live a life that is worthy and one that honors those who were lost. Their lives mattered. You matter. Now, their legacy is in your hands. Will you find ways to help others in their name? If you do, you will also be helping yourself heal. Try to stay in the moment as much as possible rather than dwelling on the past or fearing the future.
• Acceptance. This is not a destination but a recognition of events and a turn toward healing. Like everything else, it comes in tiny steps. Your brain knows what happened, but your heart doesn't understand. Search for those people, things, and activities that bring you moments of peace. Think through whatever you face each day. Encourage yourself to move, physically and mentally.
• Remember, you are not alone. You can do this. Reach out for support and keep in mind that not everything you hear, think, or feel is true.​

by Jan McDaniel

Grief in the aftermath of suicide brings a host of complex, confusing, and sometimes conflicting emotions to those who suffer this kind of loss. These feelings and resulting thoughts are layered and interwoven in the grieving process and can recur even after much healing takes place. Moments here and there, especially, can release powerful sadness or stir intense pain; however, knowing these reactions are normal under the circumstances and keeping coping strategies ready can help survivors through these periods.

After I lost my beloved husband, I did not feel anger at him though I have since had moments when I wanted to tell him, “We need to talk.” But I did feel a lot of anger at the circumstances. The medical professionals failed us, I thought, and the medications that were supposed to help his depression only made things worse. Was this the truth? In many ways, I believe it was part of the truth due to events that happened. But, as the years went by, I began to understand more about how difficult it is to diagnose and treat people who are suffering from mental health issues.

Medical science has made progress since 2007, when my husband died, in understanding the physical structure of the human brain and in treating many of the problems rooted there. The understanding of thinking processes, however, remains more elusive. The causes of suicidal ideation (the formulation of ideas about ending life) are said to stem from a confusing variety of physical, mental, environmental, genetic, and experience components that interplay and affect each other. The question of why one person ends his life while another facing a similar situation does not goes without an answer currently.

Is anger after suicide loss valid? Yes, like other emotions that threaten to drown out hope, feeling anger is a valid part of the grieving journey. How can we express it safely? And how do we keep it from dominating our lives?

Anger, like guilt, regret, shame, blame, and other issues we face after a suicide, must be examined if we are to understand it at all. We feel how we feel, and it is natural to want an answer to why the suicide happened. That is one of the big questions that haunts survivors. It is tempting to label something or someone in the immediate vicinity as the cause though that answer negates the complexity involved.

There are many ways to express anger safely. Reflection (writing in a journal or reading and thinking critically about the experiences of others) and seeking the help of professionals (counselors, therapists, psychologists, especially those with experience and knowledge of working with suicide loss survivors) can provide insights as we try to untangle the puzzle of loss. Telling your story among those who understand is one of the first recommended steps to healing. That means talking about anger, too. Safe, nonjudgmental listeners give opportunities for you to empty yourself of the pain you feel a little at a time and sets the stage for the healing of these deep wounds. This takes time. Not everyone will listen. Search for those who will. Support and connection build a bridge to healing.

Physical exertion is another helpful coping strategy as is living in the moment as much as possible. The terrible loss has already taken place. What remains is how to go forward in the way that is most healthy for you. This is a process that takes much time, much effort, much support. It does not come easily. But there is hope that simple things like exercise, drinking water, deep breathing, weeding a garden or folding laundry, taking in nature, working, or playing with children can play a part in giving you a life in which there is more than pain.

Some puzzles have no satisfactory resolution, and suicide often leaves many questions unanswered. Anger itself is often confusing. We can become angry at ourselves or at everything. The next steps are shame or blame, guilt or bitterness. If we can break that cycle, we can use anger as a “fuel” to motivate healing or as a hedge of protection between us and the world. Grieving and healing are processes that change over time. In what direction do you want to go?

by Sandy Walden

Fear is so much a part of grief. We have so many questions, regrets, needs. We do need to focus on these sometimes. Not to dwell or push us further into despair but to express and deal with what's there. 

We can replace these negative feelings with more positive ones. That probably seems difficult or impossible, but it's something others have found ways to do. One of these ways if through guided meditation.

Sandy Walden shares a brief guided meditation that can help.

Guided Meditation – Release Fear | Serenity - Master Grief Coach and Coaching Certification (sandywalden.com)

by Sandy Walden

​Who do you call when you need to talk?

Who do you think about when you want to share?

Who comes to mind when you need to take on a task that is too much to do alone?

These are the people that are on your team. They’re your peeps. Your Community. Your Tribe. Your Circle of Support.  And they matter so very much. Often more that we realize and most often, more than they know.

– They may be family members or friends, those who feel the pain of loss as acutely as you, or not.
– Health care practitioners, therapist, counselor, coach, pastor.
– They may be friends, neighbors, colleagues who care deeply and want to ease your pain.
– Others grievers who care and understand.
– Perhaps you meet new people who are able to support you in unexpected ways.

I encourage you to be open to any and all of the above.

Please remember that not everyone is able to support us in the way that we need. This can be for a variety of reasons.

It’s very helpful when we are able to share with others what we want and need. I know this is often easier said than done, with practice it gets easier. Likewise, discerning who is able to help out, to support is a process and it will change as your grief ebbs and flows.

For example, trial and error taught me where to send the long, rambling emails that I felt absolutely compelled to type out in the middle of the night. I learned who was able to accept these messages, read through them and respond in the way that I needed.

This didn’t make others wrong, it was simply a matter of discernment.

Face to face. Phone calls. Oh my gosh, while this is the go-to for most who are in pain, I was not able to articulate to many in these situations. Only a precious few. These folks were a God-send for me and I will always be grateful.

This is not to suggest that others weren’t willing to sit with me or to answer calls, but rather it speaks to my ability at the time to share. Understanding and respecting my own needs as well as abilities.

It turns out that I was much better at supporting others in their most vulnerable pain than I was with sharing my own.

This too is different for all of us.

Who is on your team? Remember to let them know that they are appreciated and that they are helpful, it matters. They won’t know unless they are told.

Feel loving intentions when gestures are less than artful or words land in ways that are not soothing. You’re going through the most painful experience of your life and just as you are learning what is helpful, your Tribe is learning how to help you.

This is messy business. Mistakes will be made by grievers and supporters alike. As much as possible, remember that everyone is doing the best they can with this situation. Forgiveness matters.

As you process and heal your grief, as you walk your path of healing, some of your Community will quite naturally fall away. Bless them for their time and love and know that others will show up. But only if we allow and welcome them. This is a process. Step by step. One heartbeat at a time.

Your Circle of Support matters. You matter. You are loved.
​
Namaste,
Sandy

When you are ready to begin your healing journey, reach out to Sandy for your complimentary consultation. Together, we walk through grief, into healing.
https://calendly.com/serenity-1/30min
https://sandywalden.com/contact/
Connect with Sandy in her Facebook Group.

by Jan McDaniel

Let's flip the switch on holiday tips and use them to get through this year (and beyond). The Alliance of Hope for Survivors of Suicide Loss provides extra support at the end of the year through music, inspiration, and daily tips for surviving the holidays. I write these each year, and these for 2020 should be available a while longer, but this new year brought new challenges related to 2020 world events that include a global pandemic. Those challenges and others are still going on, and many people are grieving. To help you cope with the increase in isolation, stress, and tragedy in 2021, here are my most popular “Top Tips” from the last decade at AOH.

Tackle these one at a time, perhaps one tip a week or one each month.

Remember Your Loved One
Writing is a good way to remember. If you have young children, it is also a way to leave precious memories for them as they grow. Write as much as you like about “I will never forget you because _____________________.”

Plan to Survive
Families and friends might expect you to carry on with traditional celebrations when you do not feel like celebrating anything. Be honest. Let others know you might need to take a break. Tell them you appreciate their invitations but must handle your grief in your own way and time. 

Encourage Yourself
Write encouraging quotes on sticky notes and post them around your home and in your car to give yourself courage. 

Fold a Paper Crane
Doing something with your hands can help your heart heal. The ancient art of paper-folding is often used to honor the memory of a loved one. Use origami paper or any cut into a square 6 x 6 inches to make a paper crane. If you desire, write a special message or prayer on each and attach to a string. Video instructions can be found online at sites like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=Ux1ECrNDZl4.

Write a Letter
Write a letter to the one you lost. Begin with how you feel right now. Write about what is going on in your life, how things have changed, and how you feel. Talk about the confusion and what you go through every day. Express your love. Write down all those “why” and “what-if” questions. Say what you have wanted to say since it happened. Weave these moments together. What starts as a fragment soon grows into a beautiful patchwork of memories that bring comfort and, one day, perhaps even joy.

Talk to Someone
It often seems like the world is moving on and forgetting about the ones we lost, especially during the holiday season. Find one person to whom you can mention your loved one by name. It may be to share a memory that makes you smile or to tell someone how grateful you are that your loved one received help from that person. If you can’t find someone in your community, post a message at the Alliance of Hope for Survivors of Suicide Loss. Someone will answer. [If your loss is not suicide-related, check out www.GriefShare.org.] 

Try Different Music
Music changes mood. If you have not been able to listen to the music you love since your loss, you may be able to find comfort in it again later. Until then, try something different. Keep CDs of calming instrumental music in your car or try a new radio station. Check online for “soaking music” if you would like to hear hymns of faith. These can also help you sleep.

Nourish Your Body
Eating is emotional. Try to reach for healthy food and stay hydrated. If you feel you can’t eat, take small sips of water or soup often. Consult your doctor if you need to because you will need strength on this journey. Build a few meals you like that can nourish your body. And your soul.

Light a Candle
Little rituals are meaningful and help in healing. Take time to become aware of whatever you are doing. Notice your breath, the textures of the things you touch, the small sounds you hear. Be still. Some people find comfort in lighting a candle at times and just thinking about their loved ones.

Wish
Sometimes a little escape from the reality of that “new life” can provide just enough rest from grieving to enable us to go on for another day. Whether what we wish for is possible or not, we still yearn for it. This is normal. Tell your loved one what he or she meant to you. Create a vision of what your future could be. Whatever you wish for, you may find more than a little escape. You may find insights and healing and ways to make your real life better.

2021
This year is different in more ways than one. The pandemic affects almost all we do, including grieving and spending time with other people. Solitude is helpful in healing, but sometimes it is good to be with those who care, even via a computer screen or telephone. Connecting online with other survivors is a great way to deal with waves of grief. Reading books or articles about healing keeps you feeling stronger. Make a list of things that might help when pain is at its worst. Keep the list with you. You are not really alone.

Through the years, I have drawn strength and comfort from Sandy Walden's guided meditations. In this one she shares, you can find moments of peace at a time when stress has taken center stage in our lives and our world. 

Guided Meditation – Together by the fireside | Serenity - Master Grief Coach and Coaching Certification (sandywalden.com)

Thank you, Sandy, for your willingness to share with us here. And for the healing you offer survivors. To learn more about our partner, Sandy, visit her website at www.sandywalden.com. 

I believe in the power of meditation because I have experienced it. I hope you will, too. Starting today.
​

Twelve Months of Journal Prompts can take you through the year. Try these suggestions, and see where they take you. January through December, you are not alone. Download.

As you work, remember to take time to look back at past entries to get a look at how things have changed or how you've grown. Journaling can be so helpful on the grief journey. 

Here are a few ways to use your journal:

*write a letter to your loved one

*describe the day or week's best and worst moments

*talk to yourself in a place of safety

*list problems you're facing and different ways you could handle each

*make some goals and write down small steps that can help you reach them

*write down things that helped, even a little, and refer to those when you need them

*make a list of people who can help if you are in crisis and add phone numbers

What kind of journal supplies speak to you? Something fancy from the bookstore? A plain spiral notebook? Some good pens? Keep them ready to use.
​

View Are you supporting someone who is grieving? to find out more. Sandy Walden shares some really good suggestions for people who are trying to help those who have lost loved ones. These might be friends, neighbors, fellow church members, or co-workers.  Or even family members. 

It's tough to know what to say and do, but you can start right here with Sandy's help. And it means so much to the ones you care about. Their hearts are deeply hurt. But you can help.

by Jan McDaniel
(2008)

Just for today, I will light a candle that smells like lotus blossoms.
As I watch the tiny flame, I will imagine it fighting back the darkness of great sorrow.

That’s power.

I will remember your touch.
A gentle hug, the way your hand reached out to me in times of pain.

I will listen to soft music and practice my original blend of Qigong, gentle yoga, and Pilates.
I’m not good at any of those, but that’s okay. I have to move or I won’t be able to move.

I’ll try to eat color. I may have to pretend I’m a squirrel scavenging for what’s available,
But nourishing my body is a need, and I will make it pleasant, just for today.

I wake up too early, but I’m finding not trying so hard helps.
Just for today, I’m giving in.

And I’ll cry, probably, at some stray thought or when something reminds me of the life I used to have.
I will share heartbreak, be inspired, and draw a measure of strength from the words of others.

It is overwhelming to think of all the fresh, new grief and how many people have experienced what I have, but just for today, I will try to love myself and my new life.

I will forgive myself today. Just a little.
And I will tell myself that I will find something within me and in the world that is worthwhile.

There may be “bigger” things I must do, but no matter what they are, I will focus on these things, 

Before I go to bed, I will listen to a guided meditation about a garden and imagine myself there, stepping down five steps – slowly – into the arms of my love.

That’s love. That makes me feel good.

​Just for today, I will light a candle that smells like lotus blossoms. 

Helping during the pandemic crisis can be as simple as donating items to a food pantry or giving blood to the American Red Cross. There are many ways you can get involved and make a huge difference. 

Getting help might look like a call to a crisis line or connecting to an app offering free assistance to businesses. 

The article below lists many things you can do and ways you can get assistance in each category. Hold on to hope. The weeks to come may be some of the worst we have seen, but you are not alone. 

Coronavirus: How to help and get help (cnn.com)