by Jan McDaniel

The truth is grief is different for everyone but, in general, the pain of loss will be with you for some time to come. How could it not be? Loving someone is an investment of the heart. When that someone dies, the heart hurts and hurts badly. However, moments of healing begin almost immediately. It is difficult to see them at first, but they are there and will be a comfort as time goes by.

Look for them. Knit them together until they begin to fill the ragged holes that have been torn in the fabric of your life. How? Seek support. Talk to people who understand. Rest when you need to rest, and stay active when you can. Find positive things to do, even if they don't seem to matter much. And take very good care of yourself. Eat healthy foods, and drink plenty of water.

This is a good time of year to start a gratitude journal. What are you thankful for today? Something so small as a warm bed can bring a touch of strength to your heart. A neighbor's smile. A card in the mail. A cup of coffee or hot tea while watching a cardinal outside the window. 

Give gratitude. Do something for someone else to make both of you feel better.

Make an appointment with yourself to grieve. Maybe you can think of a few other things when you know you have a set time and place to address your darkest thoughts and pain. All of these can be subjects of prayer.

Treat yourself gently, and trust that you will feel better. Healing is possible. That does not mean letting go of the love we have for those no longer with us. It means nourishing that love and carrying it forward into a life that  is worthy, that is lived in memory of someone very dear.

- from Way for Hope's Q&A Series (2019)

by Jan McDaniel

Sleep. We need it, especially after loss, but rest is often elusive. The stillness of night does not bring stillness when the mind is filled with turmoil and worry, thoughts of not only the loss but also circumstances that resulted. We miss someone. The nervous system is on hyper-alert, with anxiety and perhaps depression adding to the melee. Too often, this is a time of pain, not peace.

If sleep does come, it may have a nightmarish quality. Certainly, a second or two after waking - whether in the middle of the night or the morning - the harsh realizations begin, sliding over a new survivor mercilessly. Everything we don't want is there waiting.

It often takes a lot of time to find real rest again. The journey that began with the loss of a loved one is not a quick trip. It is no wonder that survivors who are left behind lose strength, become exhausted, eat little or too much, or begin to suffer health problems. From shock to the grinding period of dealing with the aftermath to the early stages of finding support and healing, a survivor's work is just to breathe, to do what must be done. 

Here are a few suggestions that might help ease the nighttime hours, for sleep is important to both healing and health:

• Consciously make your bedroom a special and safe place. Add comforting plants, candles, or pillows. Perhaps a rocking chair and lap blanket. Use a soft lamp. This is your room for respite.
• Place a notebook and pen beside the bed. These are for writing down any worries you think of so that keeping them in the book will help free your mind from the burden of remembering. Deal with them in the morning.
• Create a gentle routine. Perhaps a bath or a cup of hot herbal tea before bed will help you relax. Consult your doctor first, especially if you have a health condition.
• Think of yourself as deserving and needing this kind of care. You have been deeply wounded and need an "intensive care unit" of your own. Even if no one can see your wounds of loss, they are there.
• If you wake in the night unable to go back to sleep, sometimes it helps to check in with online support or read a few pages of a book on healing. Afterward, you may be able to sleep easier, knowing you are not alone.
• Place a soft blanket within easy reach, just for comfort if not for warmth.
• Take your time with recovery. This is more like a marathon than a sprint.
• Remind yourself this will not last. You are healing.
• If sleeplessness persists or threatens to turn into insomnia, talk to your doctor as soon as possible.

by Jan McDaniel

​What you do inspires others.

Maybe you don’t feel very inspirational, but when others, including your children, see you getting up each day and dealing/healing, they will follow your light.

Each person affected by a loss has a very personal and unique journey and may need to grieve differently from those who experienced the loss, too. Allowing for these differences and honoring each person’s needs is not always easy, but it does keep additional problems to a minimum.

I wanted to talk after my husband died. I needed to talk. A lot. And I found people who were willing to listen. Family members, my counselor, other survivors. But not everyone handles grief in this way. I had to learn how to respect those differences, something that made my life easier and my relationships closer.

If you face similar issues and varying healing styles, take time to think about what each person around you needs and what you need. Ask, if you’re not sure, and let others know you can support each other while respecting any differences between you.

Leading your family is not the only way to inspire others. You can let friends and coworkers know how they can help. Join with others in your community to support awareness of mental health and other issues. Support organizations that exist to help new survivors.

​Most of all, seek out things that inspire you to continue your healing journey.

 Journal Prompt
Make a list of ways you can help/inspire others. What are your strengths?

by Maria Sallese

I often hang my hat on a quote. It’s the peg I choose and use to refresh my mindset for the day.

I go for those that whisper hope and grant me courage to start each day anew.

Such is this.

It’s been over two years since my son, my only child, took his life.

The years embedded, but the overflow months, no longer a reflex, require counting on my fingers.

“I don’t think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains.”

Grieving the loss of his physical presence, the hopes and dreams I carried for him present and future, that part has been a difficult climb. But I take the zig-zag trail now instead of the steepest route.

There I can catch my breath.

Along that gentler trail, he walks by my side. The tenderness of his heart resides in mine and his smile somehow shines brighter than before, radiating warmth and lighting my way.

Not simply deep desires, these things are palpable.

“I don’t think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains.”

Longing remains . . . how could it not? But it’s not all misery.

I do my best to avoid background noise and see deeper beauty in the quiet of simple things. Mostly nature.

Mother Nature continues to be both Teacher and Healer.

So strongly my son resides within, maybe he brings that clarity. I see for the two of us now.

Perhaps it is my job, as his mom, to always seek and show him the beauty he somehow lost sight of.

The beauty that still remains.

The ties that bind . . . perhaps we show that beauty to each other.

After great loss, many people experience a tumble of emotions. One of these is anger. Do you know what to do with this feeling? View Sandy Walden's video exploration of this topic if you are struggling. She has some good suggestions for what to do with anger and why it is okay to feel that way in the first place.

Anger, what’s it all about? | Serenity - Master Grief Coach and Coaching Certification (sandywalden.com)

by Jan McDaniel
This article first appeared April 2019: mindfulnessandgrief.com/what-do-i-do-now/.

After my husband died, I was not even sure I existed anymore. We had been married for thirty-three years, and my identity was tied closely to his. After some time spent in shock and later feeling numb and disconnected from everything around me, I asked myself what I was supposed to do now.

For a while, I could not bear to watch a sunrise or sunset or look at clouds or the stars because he had loved these things so much, and we had enjoyed them together. But one day I saw a most beautiful cloud that stretched across the sky in the shape of an angel, with wings outspread. That was the first moment I really looked up and felt close to him instead of stricken with sorrow.

I learned how to appreciate the beauty of nature on my own. I would see something extraordinary and think it might be sent by him. Whether it was or not, I still felt close to him. And now I look for beauty, for messages.

Depending on the day, I might also feel the pain of missing him in a bittersweet moment. But as I healed, I began to wonder what I could do with my life. It wasn’t hard to see that I needed to live for my children. And myself. And I felt the call to do something to help others. At first, it started with an attack on suicide itself. Take that, Suicide, I would think as I wrote about compassion and hope.

Since I have always been a writer, that became my primary direction though I was teaching English classes at a local technical college as well. I was afraid I could no longer write because my husband was so much a part of my writing. He was my muse. I wrote about him a lot. But as time went on and I met more and more survivors, I reached out with words. It was all I had.

After he died, after grieving a loss by suicide and finding those tiny healing moments, like angel clouds and kind words from other people, I found the light of his love returning. What I learned through this journey is love never dies.

I made another decision, a promise. What he could not do, I would do for him. Living like this keeps thoughts of him close and gives me purpose and a way to reach out to the world. As I go about my day, I enjoy the ordinary things in life and try to take care of myself. You can do this, too, as you grow and surround yourself with the good that is left.
​
Maybe you will write a book. Maybe not. But something out there will call you. And, when you’re ready, you will answer. You will find yourself and your purpose within growth and change. And you will feel the love and gratitude still there.

by Jan McDaniel

There is a terrible "loop" of thoughts that can trap people who are grieving. It can be an overwhelming process, painful and difficult to get out of. It starts with questions like "Why did this happen?" and "Could I have made a difference?" It is repetitive. Thoughts of things we could have done or things we wish we had not done seem easier to remedy in hindsight. 

The truth, however, is quite different. Finding a way to minimize that kind of thinking process and move toward a healthy lifestyle is critical to healing. Face these thoughts. Write about them in your journal. Talk to a counselor or friend. Imagine what you would say to someone else in your own circumstance. Real time is very different from the frozen gaze of history. By examining what happened and by helping yourself understand that difference will allow you to gradually reduce the time spent in the loop. One way to do this is to look for truth or lies. Guilt can be a masterful and harsh liar. So can regret. 

Of course we regret what happened and, perhaps, how it happened, what we did or did not do. We have a lot of control over our lives, but this is often deceptive, too. We simply cannot control everything.

Distractions work to ease our minds sometimes. Ultimately, however, there are things we cannot understand about death or about control. List what you think you should have done and what you feel you had control over. Now, list the things you wanted controlled. Mark any of those that were in your power. Most will not be marked. 

Of those things we had some control over, many are matters of the moment. Our reactions to even simple things are undependable. Something as complex as life and death are more so. Why? Because we are only human. 

Apply the same steps to what you are experiencing now. List things you want controlled and mark those that you have control over. Shift your perspective and think about how to solve these problems or issues. You may come up with a solution or you may realize you do not have as much control as you thought. In the latter case, the problem now becomes how to handle not being in control. But sorting problems or emotions in this way helps.

Overthinking can keep you up at night, which is the last thing your body and mind need while you are grieving. Try taking your attention elsewhere through self-talk, self-care, volunteering, going for a walk, or exercise. There is nothing wrong with seeking help from a mental health professional, who can determine if you have issue with past trauma. These require different techniques and care that grieving.

You can get out of the loop and reclaim your life. Though you may always have regrets and miss the person you lost, you can live a full and productive life, no matter what life stage you are in.

by Jan McDaniel

If you are grieving and also caring for other people, you have already found that the demands of life continue, no matter how you feel. Loss comes to us all. You might be a young widow or widower caring for small children, or a member of the "sandwich generation" with older kids who still need you but also aging parents you want to assist. Maybe you are helping out your adult children by keeping your own grandchildren. You and others in your family may have serious health conditions that need constant care.

Whatever your individual situation is, remember these things:

• Take care of yourself, too. From making sure your diet is healthy to following up on medical care, put yourself on your calendar and schedule regular times for relaxation, exercise, and griefwork. (I don't want much, do I?) Yes, it is a lot, but taking care of YOU will make it possible to take care of THEM.
• Ask for help and look into respite care when you need it. You're not alone. There are support groups and organizations that can help. Find out all you can about what you and your family members are experiencing. Where to start? Ask your doctor or local hospital what is available in your area, and search for online tips from people who are dealing with similar issues.
• Talk to your employer or human resources department about what's available. Can you take off time from work, change your schedule, or work from home?
• You will get through this. Print that sentence on several index cards, and tape them around your home, car, office. You matter. What you're handling is difficult, to say the least. But you can do it.
• Counseling is for more than mental health issues and grief. Talking to a professional may lead you to ideas you had not thought of but will also help you deal with stress.
• Minimize some chores and combine others. For example, the house doesn't need to be spotless, and one trip to the store per week is enough if you have menu plans and a list ready.
• Keep a notebook and pen beside your bed. Draw a vertical line down the center of a page. Label these columns "Must Do" and "Can Wait." Place an asterisk beside anything that can be skipped altogether. Then, get some sleep. 
• Be open to the blessings around you. Even in grief, there are gifts from others and from the world around you. A child's laugh, a beautiful sunset, the warmth of that little dog or cat sleeping beside you. Take it all in. Write it down. Remember it. Share it with your loved one who passed. Out loud.

Do you have an Accountability Partner?

Do you need one? What does that even mean? 

Join Sandy Walden as she speaks about this topic:

Accountability is Self-Care | Serenity - Master Grief Coach and Coaching Certification (sandywalden.com)

by Jan McDaniel

The photo above shows my husband in a typical scene. He was a gentle man, kind and loving. The little dog, Baku, gave him a lot of joy. We had so much fun together. I know I was blessed to have the life I did. Our children were blessed to have a dad like him. Though we were together for many years, it is never enough. Still, I treasure those years.

It is not easy to remember the good days after great loss. There is so much pain and so much to mourn, not only what was lost but also what could have been. It is important to work through all of it. No matter how long it takes.

This takes time. I cannot tell you how long or exactly what it will be like for you because we are all different. Some things that will help on this journey, no matter how long it takes, are self-care, patience, supportive friends who will listen as long as you need to talk; groups or counselors of some type that can offer you a chance to share with others who are grieving or who have been on similar journeys as well as compassion and wisdom. 

Take your time. There is no rush. There is much to do, and there will be more that comes along with losing a loved one. Use a notebook and pen to write down things you want to explore or tasks that need doing when you can. Try not to let those things overwhelm you. They will stay right there in the notebook until you can tackle them one at a time.

As you grow stronger, it will be easier to treasure your memories. Life will feel better. For now, stay close to those still with you. Hold on to every drop of joy or peace that comes you way.

If you are a father, you mean the world to someone. If you are grieving a child, know that you always did. And if you are grieving a dad or granddad, there are wonderful ways to remember them and to pass along those memories to your children. 

We are all connected. 

Happy Father's' Day, Ron. I love you. What you meant to all of us lives on.