Connections

by Ari

As the holidays are approaching, my sadness over losing my boy has increased. These moments come when they want, there is no scheduling grief. I wake up with him on my mind and go to bed the same. Sadness follows into my dreams on some nights. Today I woke up with tears on my pillow.

But out in nature I find some relief, some bits of joy, because it is here that he finds me, it is while I walk that I feel him close. You see all I need to do is look to the sky, and if I'm lucky I will see that which reminds me of him... a beautiful white seagull, wings outstretched painted golden by the sun! It will circle me, calling out sometimes, sounding so much like “Mom! Mom!," and while I stand and watch I feel my son's spirit, telling me that it's ok, that he is close always, that I don't need to be sad. He is close.

Finding this connection came early in my loss. I don't know why a seagull except that every time I walked, tears running down my cheeks, missing him, my heart breaking, I would see one. They came each and every time, and the sight of them brought me a measure of comfort. They have become his sign. I don't mind that that sounds silly. My family first made fun, laughing when I would bring it up. Now, over six years later, they will point to one flying by and say hi!

Making connections with our loved ones that have died is yet another tool in surviving this incredible loss. We believe what our hearts tell us, there is no right or wrong. We believe. Find your connection today. Survive for yet another day. The pain still will come, as it does for me, I know that will continue to happen until I can hold him in my arms again, but it does soften over time, and with the belief that they are still here, in some form or another. 

Find that connection!
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