by Jan McDaniel

​What you do inspires others.

Maybe you don’t feel very inspirational, but when others, including your children, see you getting up each day and dealing/healing, they will follow your light.

Each person affected by a loss has a very personal and unique journey and may need to grieve differently from those who experienced the loss, too. Allowing for these differences and honoring each person’s needs is not always easy, but it does keep additional problems to a minimum.

I wanted to talk after my husband died. I needed to talk. A lot. And I found people who were willing to listen. Family members, my counselor, other survivors. But not everyone handles grief in this way. I had to learn how to respect those differences, something that made my life easier and my relationships closer.

If you face similar issues and varying healing styles, take time to think about what each person around you needs and what you need. Ask, if you’re not sure, and let others know you can support each other while respecting any differences between you.

Leading your family is not the only way to inspire others. You can let friends and coworkers know how they can help. Join with others in your community to support awareness of mental health and other issues. Support organizations that exist to help new survivors.

​Most of all, seek out things that inspire you to continue your healing journey.

 Journal Prompt
Make a list of ways you can help/inspire others. What are your strengths?

by Maria Sallese

I often hang my hat on a quote. It’s the peg I choose and use to refresh my mindset for the day.

I go for those that whisper hope and grant me courage to start each day anew.

Such is this.

It’s been over two years since my son, my only child, took his life.

The years embedded, but the overflow months, no longer a reflex, require counting on my fingers.

“I don’t think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains.”

Grieving the loss of his physical presence, the hopes and dreams I carried for him present and future, that part has been a difficult climb. But I take the zig-zag trail now instead of the steepest route.

There I can catch my breath.

Along that gentler trail, he walks by my side. The tenderness of his heart resides in mine and his smile somehow shines brighter than before, radiating warmth and lighting my way.

Not simply deep desires, these things are palpable.

“I don’t think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains.”

Longing remains . . . how could it not? But it’s not all misery.

I do my best to avoid background noise and see deeper beauty in the quiet of simple things. Mostly nature.

Mother Nature continues to be both Teacher and Healer.

So strongly my son resides within, maybe he brings that clarity. I see for the two of us now.

Perhaps it is my job, as his mom, to always seek and show him the beauty he somehow lost sight of.

The beauty that still remains.

The ties that bind . . . perhaps we show that beauty to each other.

After great loss, many people experience a tumble of emotions. One of these is anger. Do you know what to do with this feeling? View Sandy Walden's video exploration of this topic if you are struggling. She has some good suggestions for what to do with anger and why it is okay to feel that way in the first place.

Anger, what’s it all about? | Serenity - Master Grief Coach and Coaching Certification (sandywalden.com)

by Jan McDaniel
This article first appeared April 2019: mindfulnessandgrief.com/what-do-i-do-now/.

After my husband died, I was not even sure I existed anymore. We had been married for thirty-three years, and my identity was tied closely to his. After some time spent in shock and later feeling numb and disconnected from everything around me, I asked myself what I was supposed to do now.

For a while, I could not bear to watch a sunrise or sunset or look at clouds or the stars because he had loved these things so much, and we had enjoyed them together. But one day I saw a most beautiful cloud that stretched across the sky in the shape of an angel, with wings outspread. That was the first moment I really looked up and felt close to him instead of stricken with sorrow.

I learned how to appreciate the beauty of nature on my own. I would see something extraordinary and think it might be sent by him. Whether it was or not, I still felt close to him. And now I look for beauty, for messages.

Depending on the day, I might also feel the pain of missing him in a bittersweet moment. But as I healed, I began to wonder what I could do with my life. It wasn’t hard to see that I needed to live for my children. And myself. And I felt the call to do something to help others. At first, it started with an attack on suicide itself. Take that, Suicide, I would think as I wrote about compassion and hope.

Since I have always been a writer, that became my primary direction though I was teaching English classes at a local technical college as well. I was afraid I could no longer write because my husband was so much a part of my writing. He was my muse. I wrote about him a lot. But as time went on and I met more and more survivors, I reached out with words. It was all I had.

After he died, after grieving a loss by suicide and finding those tiny healing moments, like angel clouds and kind words from other people, I found the light of his love returning. What I learned through this journey is love never dies.

I made another decision, a promise. What he could not do, I would do for him. Living like this keeps thoughts of him close and gives me purpose and a way to reach out to the world. As I go about my day, I enjoy the ordinary things in life and try to take care of myself. You can do this, too, as you grow and surround yourself with the good that is left.
​
Maybe you will write a book. Maybe not. But something out there will call you. And, when you’re ready, you will answer. You will find yourself and your purpose within growth and change. And you will feel the love and gratitude still there.

by Jan McDaniel

There is a terrible "loop" of thoughts that can trap people who are grieving. It can be an overwhelming process, painful and difficult to get out of. It starts with questions like "Why did this happen?" and "Could I have made a difference?" It is repetitive. Thoughts of things we could have done or things we wish we had not done seem easier to remedy in hindsight. 

The truth, however, is quite different. Finding a way to minimize that kind of thinking process and move toward a healthy lifestyle is critical to healing. Face these thoughts. Write about them in your journal. Talk to a counselor or friend. Imagine what you would say to someone else in your own circumstance. Real time is very different from the frozen gaze of history. By examining what happened and by helping yourself understand that difference will allow you to gradually reduce the time spent in the loop. One way to do this is to look for truth or lies. Guilt can be a masterful and harsh liar. So can regret. 

Of course we regret what happened and, perhaps, how it happened, what we did or did not do. We have a lot of control over our lives, but this is often deceptive, too. We simply cannot control everything.

Distractions work to ease our minds sometimes. Ultimately, however, there are things we cannot understand about death or about control. List what you think you should have done and what you feel you had control over. Now, list the things you wanted controlled. Mark any of those that were in your power. Most will not be marked. 

Of those things we had some control over, many are matters of the moment. Our reactions to even simple things are undependable. Something as complex as life and death are more so. Why? Because we are only human. 

Apply the same steps to what you are experiencing now. List things you want controlled and mark those that you have control over. Shift your perspective and think about how to solve these problems or issues. You may come up with a solution or you may realize you do not have as much control as you thought. In the latter case, the problem now becomes how to handle not being in control. But sorting problems or emotions in this way helps.

Overthinking can keep you up at night, which is the last thing your body and mind need while you are grieving. Try taking your attention elsewhere through self-talk, self-care, volunteering, going for a walk, or exercise. There is nothing wrong with seeking help from a mental health professional, who can determine if you have issue with past trauma. These require different techniques and care that grieving.

You can get out of the loop and reclaim your life. Though you may always have regrets and miss the person you lost, you can live a full and productive life, no matter what life stage you are in.

by Jan McDaniel

If you are grieving and also caring for other people, you have already found that the demands of life continue, no matter how you feel. Loss comes to us all. You might be a young widow or widower caring for small children, or a member of the "sandwich generation" with older kids who still need you but also aging parents you want to assist. Maybe you are helping out your adult children by keeping your own grandchildren. You and others in your family may have serious health conditions that need constant care.

Whatever your individual situation is, remember these things:

• Take care of yourself, too. From making sure your diet is healthy to following up on medical care, put yourself on your calendar and schedule regular times for relaxation, exercise, and griefwork. (I don't want much, do I?) Yes, it is a lot, but taking care of YOU will make it possible to take care of THEM.
• Ask for help and look into respite care when you need it. You're not alone. There are support groups and organizations that can help. Find out all you can about what you and your family members are experiencing. Where to start? Ask your doctor or local hospital what is available in your area, and search for online tips from people who are dealing with similar issues.
• Talk to your employer or human resources department about what's available. Can you take off time from work, change your schedule, or work from home?
• You will get through this. Print that sentence on several index cards, and tape them around your home, car, office. You matter. What you're handling is difficult, to say the least. But you can do it.
• Counseling is for more than mental health issues and grief. Talking to a professional may lead you to ideas you had not thought of but will also help you deal with stress.
• Minimize some chores and combine others. For example, the house doesn't need to be spotless, and one trip to the store per week is enough if you have menu plans and a list ready.
• Keep a notebook and pen beside your bed. Draw a vertical line down the center of a page. Label these columns "Must Do" and "Can Wait." Place an asterisk beside anything that can be skipped altogether. Then, get some sleep. 
• Be open to the blessings around you. Even in grief, there are gifts from others and from the world around you. A child's laugh, a beautiful sunset, the warmth of that little dog or cat sleeping beside you. Take it all in. Write it down. Remember it. Share it with your loved one who passed. Out loud.

Do you have an Accountability Partner?

Do you need one? What does that even mean? 

Join Sandy Walden as she speaks about this topic:

Accountability is Self-Care | Serenity - Master Grief Coach and Coaching Certification (sandywalden.com)

by Jan McDaniel

The photo above shows my husband in a typical scene. He was a gentle man, kind and loving. The little dog, Baku, gave him a lot of joy. We had so much fun together. I know I was blessed to have the life I did. Our children were blessed to have a dad like him. Though we were together for many years, it is never enough. Still, I treasure those years.

It is not easy to remember the good days after great loss. There is so much pain and so much to mourn, not only what was lost but also what could have been. It is important to work through all of it. No matter how long it takes.

This takes time. I cannot tell you how long or exactly what it will be like for you because we are all different. Some things that will help on this journey, no matter how long it takes, are self-care, patience, supportive friends who will listen as long as you need to talk; groups or counselors of some type that can offer you a chance to share with others who are grieving or who have been on similar journeys as well as compassion and wisdom. 

Take your time. There is no rush. There is much to do, and there will be more that comes along with losing a loved one. Use a notebook and pen to write down things you want to explore or tasks that need doing when you can. Try not to let those things overwhelm you. They will stay right there in the notebook until you can tackle them one at a time.

As you grow stronger, it will be easier to treasure your memories. Life will feel better. For now, stay close to those still with you. Hold on to every drop of joy or peace that comes you way.

If you are a father, you mean the world to someone. If you are grieving a child, know that you always did. And if you are grieving a dad or granddad, there are wonderful ways to remember them and to pass along those memories to your children. 

We are all connected. 

Happy Father's' Day, Ron. I love you. What you meant to all of us lives on.

 by Jan McDaniel

What do you do when you need a new refrigerator? Maybe check out reputable stores or ask a friend for a recommendation? Look for sales and quality information? Go online to read reviews and peruse information that can help you make a wise purchase that will make your life easier for years to come?

Similar steps can help with any important purchase or decision, including how you handle your grieving process. How can you find a good counselor? What books and support groups might work best for you? Here are a few tips to help you with your research on grief, healing, and recovery. 

• Take your time. You may not feel like gathering information after the loss of an important person in your life. Use a journal or notebook to write down questions you want to ask or ideas about the kind of help you need. Then, on days when you feel stronger, tackle one of the following steps at a time.
•  Who can help? Think about what kind of professionals and which of your contacts might be what you need. Doctor? Mental Health professional? Family members or friends? Local clergy or support groups? Online resources? It helps to know what you are looking for before you begin your research, but know that you can change anything about your plan as you go along.
• Do something to build you your strength and sense of peace every day. These things are often simple and may not seem like they would help much, but they do. Exercise, meditation, naps, a walk in the park...the list is long. There is something for everyone.
• Look for one thing at a time. For example, if you feel a support group would be worth a try, see what is available locally by asking your doctor or local mental health center or hospital for a list of groups that meet nearby. Often these are free, divided by type of loss or type of need, and sometimes held in churches or community centers. Call the person who is listed as a contact for the group you are interested in to get a sense of what the group is about, whether it is open to new members, and other information. Give it three tries. If you go three times and feel it is not working for you, move on to the next group on your list.
• When it comes to books, counselors, or online organizations, look for these things: independent positive reviews from people who use the goods or services; three or more reliable sources that recommend these; and contacts you can email for more information. In other words, be careful who you trust. There is so much conflicting information on the Internet. It can be difficult to know what to believe. But you can always look further into what you are considering. Use advice you find if it helps you. Discard the rest.
• Libraries, Mental Health centers, and national nonprofit organizations may provide help or references.
• Look for people and groups you can trust, but trust your own instincts, too. 
• Need a place to start? Check Way for Hope's Resources page here to get started.

by Jan McDaniel

It's easy to see many of the things grief brings into a life: sorrow, confusion, loneliness, longing, change. Sometimes even trauma and fear. Perhaps wisdom, increased compassion. But there is more.

Loss brings us, ultimately, a new life. Different from the old in many ways, the new existence grows over time, with support and guidance, much like a new garden. And, much like a garden of any kind, challenges come, too. Hurdles. Difficulties. Dangers.

All of the new and the old find some kind of balance on most days. Chances to enjoy being alive, to love the people around us become clearer. Peace and acceptance are more common than sorrow. Memories bring more happiness than pain. 

What is it that grief has brought you? This might be a good question to answer in your journal. When you do, think about more than just the negative changes and hardships after loss. Look around to see what else is there. Take time to think about this. Go to a place where you can see your new world around you.

Then, take a chance on doing something new. How does that make you feel? If it doesn't work out, can you try again? 

Is there anything left in your life that makes you feel good? Grieving, like so many other things, is complex. Find your balance in the new life you have now.

Many hugs,
Jan