Holidays bring memories from the past that remind survivors life has changed. Special days cannot be the same without those we long to see. Dealing with this during your grief is important. And while avoidance, is one way to handle holidays, it is almost impossible to avoid sights and sounds of the season. A better choice is to plan ways to face pain and deal with it. 

One idea involves other people. If there are family members or friends you want to include in your plans or children you want to provide a somewhat normal holiday experience for, think about what would be comfortable for you. Perhaps you could hide Easter eggs for your grandchildren before Easter weekend. Or send greeting cards instead of hosting an extended family dinner. 

Try something different from what you did before your loss. But it is also okay to find comfort in old traditions. Follow your heart, and you will find moments of peace. Whatever you decide, it is your decision. Others may mean well, but you are not obligated to do things that seem like too much. On the other hand, as time goes by, explore how you feel. You may change your mind and want to prepare food or enjoy a dinner hosted by a friend as you  heal.

After each holiday, assess your reactions. You may need a day or two to rest, but take time at some point to write down how you handled the holiday, what you felt. and what you wish you had done differently. Use these notes the next time a holiday rolls around. 

You can also include special ways to remember your loved one, either on your own or with others. A simple walk or candle lighting, a memorial project, or something else can help you honor the love you shared with that person. That love mattered, and it still exists. 

Many hugs,
​Jan

by Sandy Walden

In this video, Sandy talks about the changes survivors go through after loss. Are we who we were before? If not, who are we? How do these changes happen?

Who am I Becoming? | Serenity - Master Grief Coach and Coaching Certification (sandywalden.com)
​

text and artwork by Ari

My boy will be gone from me seven years soon. Seven years without his laughter, his beautiful hazel eyes, his amazing hugs, his voice calling “mom!” Doesn't seem possible that I have continued in this world without him, yet I have, I am. Not gonna lie (one of his favorite sayings) it's been the hardest thing I've ever done... to live in a world devoid of his beautiful self, but each day that I wake up I can honestly say, now, that I am thankful to be alive.

At the end of this month I will take the day off from work, stay in bed and have a coffee with my hubby, then he will go watch tv while I journal for a couple of hours. I will write about my boy, remembering him in detail, the good and the bad.

I might cry, although tears are scarcer nowadays. After I will go and light a candle, which we keep burning all day, and I will take my daily walk. I will hope to see his spirit animal, a seagull, flying slowly over me, sometimes they call out their seagull calls, and I swear to me it sounds like “mom, mom!” each time! During these walks, when I see them, I feel peace, and I hope that that means he too is at peace. It's so important for me to hope that he has found it, as I am.

The difficult days... birthdays, day of passing, holidays, the last time you saw/ spoke to them, etc, etc, can be made a bit easier by actively looking for, and hopefully finding, that moment of peace. It may carry you forward into the next day, and that's all we need to do – get through each day as best as we can.

Today find your own peace!

Hugs, everyone!
​

by Sandy Walden

​There were once two towns, remarkably close to one another and very similar in many ways.
Interesting enough both were called Town of Joy.
Within each of the towns were many homes and families, very different from one another, yet each was beautiful and perfect in their own imperfection.
Walking through the towns you might hear music, of all sorts.
You would hear friendly chatter, loving tones as well as the occasional squabble and even arguments here and there.
You might see thriving gardens, as well as those that had weeds but still yielded plenty for the families within these towns.
And then disaster hit.
Houses were demolished. Trees ripped out of the ground, reduced to branches and twigs.
All around was devastation and heartbreak of the sort that before could only have been imagined. The pain was palpable. Those who remained wrapped their arms around each other. Black clouds blocked the sun, and these same clouds broke open to release a cold, biting rain.
Time crawled on. The folks in the first town renamed their place, determined that from this point on they would be known as Everlasting Grief and Pain.
They gathered together with deep and sincere compassion. Each understood what the others were experiencing.
Together, they knew, absolutely knew, that the cold rain would go on forever.
Together they assembled shelters. They understood it was now their role in life to always feel the cold rain, so they made shelters with open roofs, and thin walls to let the rain in.
They knew their gardens would never be lush again, so they gathered bitter roots to eat. They reminded one another of the nourishing meals they used to share and were heartbroken to know that they would be hungry forever more.
It was not for them to have full bellies; it was their lot to have barely enough to sustain what they now considered life.
They understood this as their truth.
Then visitors arrived. They shared threadbare blankets with the townspeople, and told them that they understood. They too had experienced this natural disaster. They had learned that if they huddled together, they could find enough warmth to survive, but that they would never be truly warm again.
No, they could not rebuild strong structures for homes. That was gone.
No, they could not grow new crops to eat, they must learn to eat what they could forage.
Laughter and song were banished.
They learned to squelch any feeling of joy because they believed they no longer had a right to either.
Their children were taught that if sunshine ever broke through the clouds, they must turn away and return to the place under the dark clouds as that was to be their way forevermore.
They would never leave this town. That would not be possible.
This would be the place where they’d live out the remainder of their days.
The people of Everlasting Grief and Pain thought this was their only option.
Down the road a short way, lay the second town.
They too had been devastated.
The pain and heartbreak were like nothing they had ever experienced.
They too huddled together and cried tears of confusion, anguish, and deepest pain.
They shared what meager, bitter berries they could find as they worked individually as well as together to assemble crude shelters to protect them from the cold rain.
But over time the townsfolk began to discover new trees that offered fruit that was edible as well as quite delicious.
Others began exploring new possibilities for their shelters.
What would make the shelters more stable?
Were there any materials that would be easier to work with?
Was it okay to block some of that rain?
What might it be like to welcome some sunshine?
These shelters, always a work in progress, taught the townsfolk to appreciate what was working, to adopt new ideas, then use these ideas in new ways.
While crying, and offering words of comfort, even the occasional bit of laughter, the people gathered to wrap their arms around one another.
They were learning to stand upright again. Resting often as the need arose.
Visitors came to this town as well. They offered love, compassion, and support.
Then the visitors began to notice a new feeling of hope permeating the town.
They did what they could to reinforce that feeling. The visitors could see the people here growing in a new way.
The townsfolk worked alone and together, sometimes right alongside the visitors and came to appreciate the new crops that were harvested.
They sang their old songs in a new key and wrote new music that both honored the past and spoke of a future filled with great joy.
The townspeople knew they would always remember what they once had, they were determined to treasure and honor those memories.
They found ways to honor their past and cherish the love that was in their hearts.
This second town was also renamed.
They called their town Healing, a town of Hope.
As time moved forward, some people would make the decision to leave the first town and move to the second town.
It took courage and wasn’t easy, but the people of Healing reached out to the newcomers, speaking encouraging words to help them out.
The journey from the first town to the second sometimes took quite a while.
To build a new life in Healing required kindness, courage and patience.
But over time, new homes were built. New crops were planted. New stories were written and shared.
And healing happened.
Namaste,
Sandy

by Jan McDaniel

It may seem like there is nothing you can do for a friend who has lost a loved one recently. But that is not quite true. Just being there to listen is perhaps the greatest gift of all, even if the pandemic prevents you from giving the hug you want to give in person. Encouraging words are not the only thing that helps. Here are a few practical gifts that can show someone you care during that first year after loss.

A lavender candle can fill the air with comforting moments and provide a focus for remembering that special one. Or, you might choose one of the candles that have wooden wicks. These make a gentle crackling sound like fire burning in the fireplace.

A gravity blanket may provide relief from the anxiety which often follows a death. The same may be true for a simple lap throw or blanket that can bring a little warmth and comfort to the recipient. Other ideas in this category are a neck pillow and a handmade crochet or knitted wrap if you are crafty.

Meal or gift box subscriptions are thoughtful reminders of how much you care. These can be purchased once or set up to be received for several months or a year.

Gift cards are useful, too. Perhaps for a massage or just a general card that can be used anywhere. If you would prefer to bring items, a basket of staples (bakery or canned goods) or even bottled water will come in handy and make life a little easier.

Books (a few are listed on our Recommended page) can bring insight and comfort. Cards that are blank inside allow you to write your own message, or you may want to give a pack of these with some stamps and a pen to help someone write to those who have shown kindness.

Natural materials seem to bring peace into a home. If you choose plants, make them the easy-to-care-for kind, such as the Parlor Palm or succulents. A packet of Forget-Me-Not seeds along with a few garden-related items make an interesting gift basket, but there are also memorial kits and ways to plant a memorial tree to honor the memory of someone close. American Forests and The Trees Remember provide two options, especially appropriate for someone who was a nature lover or conservationist.

If you know a gardener who is grieving, a beautiful sun catcher or a bird feeder with seed could help heal the heart as that person watches for natural light and beauty to re-enter life.

Memorial jewelry, garden stones, personalized photo key rings can give someone a way to hold onto precious memories.

If you are a close family member or friend, you may have photographs that would mean the world if shared. Make copies and give the photo prints in an album.

Whatever you decide will be the right choice.
​

by Jan McDaniel

Not too far back. Just think back to the last thing you did that made you feel productive or proud. Did you get all the bills paid on time this month? Did you write a letter to a friend you had been putting off? Maybe it was just getting to the grocery store. Whatever it is, think about that right now.

Now, say this: I did that.

Say it again: I did that.

How do you feel when you think about that time, that accomplishment? 

Next, think about something you want to accomplish now. 

Set it firmly in your mind. 

Okay, Now, keeping in mind how you felt when you accomplished something in the past, say: I can do that.

How does that feel?

Say it again: I can do that.

Say it out loud or just think it. 

Take one step toward that goal. It can be small. Maybe, you want to start a walking program to improve your health. Think you can do it? 

Can you take one step? (Not everyone can.)

Take it.

How did that feel?

Grief holds us back sometimes. But you only have to take one step at a time. Then another.

What would you like to accomplish in the future? 

Do you want to heal?

Grief holds us back from healing, too.

Say this: I will do it.

Say it again: I will do it.

Plan to do one thing that can help you heal. Take that walk. Write in your journal. See a counselor. You choose. There are more ideas on Way for Hope's Recourses page. Look for "Self Care" near the top of the page for more ideas.

Choose one. Then say: I will do it.

Yes, you will.
​

by Jan McDaniel

One of the most torturous aspects of grieving is the change in the way we view past events. Revelations, insights, and traumatizing guilt - true or not - can haunt a survivor for years. These may come in sudden flashes at the beginning or be discovered along the grief journey, but they are part of the process. Separating what is from what might have been is one of the primary tasks of grief. To help you deal with blame and regret, I have listed below some of the most common reactions after loss and ways to handle them.

• Why didn't I see this coming?  Whether you knew your loved one was suffering or not, there are bound to be questions like this in the aftermath of loss. The moments or days before death, older memories that now jump out in your mind like warning signs, common sense connections visible only when it is too late to change things, new information … all add to the burden you carry now. Like rocks in a backpack, they can weigh you down with self-blame, negativity, guilt, and regret, but you do not have to carry them forever. It helps to talk about them with others who understand or with a mental health professional. It helps to remind yourself they are the products, chiefly, of regret that the loss happened. You did not want this to happen. Truthfully, we often think we have more control over situations and other people than we do. Working through grief will lead you to a place where regret is a more healthy emotion. You can learn to check your thoughts and direct them.
• Shame. Guilt may lead to shame. Examine who you were, who you are now, and who you want to become as you work through thoughts that loop back on themselves over and over. Understand that this is not a "one-and-done" step. Rephrase your thoughts ("I'm feeling not self-blame but regret for the life we could have had if he had been able to get well."). Work toward forgiving yourself and your loved one. Reinforce your work with meaningful quotes from others. 
• Why didn't I know what was going on? This is a different question from the above. Even those closest to you might hide something, either things they are doing in their lives or how they are coping.  Sometimes, especially in the cases of mental illness, they are not aware themselves of what is happening to them or why, or they may not want to be a burden to others though we who are left would not feel that way. Normally, we live our lives not thinking of dying or losing those we love though we know it is possible at any moment. We are only human and cannot know or handle everything.
• I feel hollow, numb, but others tell me I need to let go and resume my life instead of being selfish. Loss takes us out of our normal state. First, shock and then grief plunge us into a place where former joy and happiness seem forever lost. This comes from feeling pain like we have never felt before. Each must find his or her own way, no matter what time that takes. It is not selfish to grieve; it is a marker of love. Recovery is possibly, but life has changed. To rebuild takes courage, support, and work, but healing happens. Be patient. Keep going. The pain will fade, but you do not have to let go of the love you shared. Hold on and ask others to understand. You will find your way.
• Why me? Why my loved one? Mourning is soul-shredding work. But in the processing is relief and, more importantly, a deeper understanding of life, love, and compassion. What is often found is a desire to make meaning from the loss, a drive to go forward to live a life that is worthy and one that honors those who were lost. Their lives mattered. You matter. Now, their legacy is in your hands. Will you find ways to help others in their name? If you do, you will also be helping yourself heal. Try to stay in the moment as much as possible rather than dwelling on the past or fearing the future.
• Acceptance. This is not a destination but a recognition of events and a turn toward healing. Like everything else, it comes in tiny steps. Your brain knows what happened, but your heart doesn't understand. Search for those people, things, and activities that bring you moments of peace. Think through whatever you face each day. Encourage yourself to move, physically and mentally.
• Remember, you are not alone. You can do this. Reach out for support and keep in mind that not everything you hear, think, or feel is true.​

by Jan McDaniel

Grief in the aftermath of suicide brings a host of complex, confusing, and sometimes conflicting emotions to those who suffer this kind of loss. These feelings and resulting thoughts are layered and interwoven in the grieving process and can recur even after much healing takes place. Moments here and there, especially, can release powerful sadness or stir intense pain; however, knowing these reactions are normal under the circumstances and keeping coping strategies ready can help survivors through these periods.

After I lost my beloved husband, I did not feel anger at him though I have since had moments when I wanted to tell him, “We need to talk.” But I did feel a lot of anger at the circumstances. The medical professionals failed us, I thought, and the medications that were supposed to help his depression only made things worse. Was this the truth? In many ways, I believe it was part of the truth due to events that happened. But, as the years went by, I began to understand more about how difficult it is to diagnose and treat people who are suffering from mental health issues.

Medical science has made progress since 2007, when my husband died, in understanding the physical structure of the human brain and in treating many of the problems rooted there. The understanding of thinking processes, however, remains more elusive. The causes of suicidal ideation (the formulation of ideas about ending life) are said to stem from a confusing variety of physical, mental, environmental, genetic, and experience components that interplay and affect each other. The question of why one person ends his life while another facing a similar situation does not goes without an answer currently.

Is anger after suicide loss valid? Yes, like other emotions that threaten to drown out hope, feeling anger is a valid part of the grieving journey. How can we express it safely? And how do we keep it from dominating our lives?

Anger, like guilt, regret, shame, blame, and other issues we face after a suicide, must be examined if we are to understand it at all. We feel how we feel, and it is natural to want an answer to why the suicide happened. That is one of the big questions that haunts survivors. It is tempting to label something or someone in the immediate vicinity as the cause though that answer negates the complexity involved.

There are many ways to express anger safely. Reflection (writing in a journal or reading and thinking critically about the experiences of others) and seeking the help of professionals (counselors, therapists, psychologists, especially those with experience and knowledge of working with suicide loss survivors) can provide insights as we try to untangle the puzzle of loss. Telling your story among those who understand is one of the first recommended steps to healing. That means talking about anger, too. Safe, nonjudgmental listeners give opportunities for you to empty yourself of the pain you feel a little at a time and sets the stage for the healing of these deep wounds. This takes time. Not everyone will listen. Search for those who will. Support and connection build a bridge to healing.

Physical exertion is another helpful coping strategy as is living in the moment as much as possible. The terrible loss has already taken place. What remains is how to go forward in the way that is most healthy for you. This is a process that takes much time, much effort, much support. It does not come easily. But there is hope that simple things like exercise, drinking water, deep breathing, weeding a garden or folding laundry, taking in nature, working, or playing with children can play a part in giving you a life in which there is more than pain.

Some puzzles have no satisfactory resolution, and suicide often leaves many questions unanswered. Anger itself is often confusing. We can become angry at ourselves or at everything. The next steps are shame or blame, guilt or bitterness. If we can break that cycle, we can use anger as a “fuel” to motivate healing or as a hedge of protection between us and the world. Grieving and healing are processes that change over time. In what direction do you want to go?

by Sandy Walden

Fear is so much a part of grief. We have so many questions, regrets, needs. We do need to focus on these sometimes. Not to dwell or push us further into despair but to express and deal with what's there. 

We can replace these negative feelings with more positive ones. That probably seems difficult or impossible, but it's something others have found ways to do. One of these ways if through guided meditation.

Sandy Walden shares a brief guided meditation that can help.

Guided Meditation – Release Fear | Serenity - Master Grief Coach and Coaching Certification (sandywalden.com)

by Sandy Walden

​Who do you call when you need to talk?

Who do you think about when you want to share?

Who comes to mind when you need to take on a task that is too much to do alone?

These are the people that are on your team. They’re your peeps. Your Community. Your Tribe. Your Circle of Support.  And they matter so very much. Often more that we realize and most often, more than they know.

– They may be family members or friends, those who feel the pain of loss as acutely as you, or not.
– Health care practitioners, therapist, counselor, coach, pastor.
– They may be friends, neighbors, colleagues who care deeply and want to ease your pain.
– Others grievers who care and understand.
– Perhaps you meet new people who are able to support you in unexpected ways.

I encourage you to be open to any and all of the above.

Please remember that not everyone is able to support us in the way that we need. This can be for a variety of reasons.

It’s very helpful when we are able to share with others what we want and need. I know this is often easier said than done, with practice it gets easier. Likewise, discerning who is able to help out, to support is a process and it will change as your grief ebbs and flows.

For example, trial and error taught me where to send the long, rambling emails that I felt absolutely compelled to type out in the middle of the night. I learned who was able to accept these messages, read through them and respond in the way that I needed.

This didn’t make others wrong, it was simply a matter of discernment.

Face to face. Phone calls. Oh my gosh, while this is the go-to for most who are in pain, I was not able to articulate to many in these situations. Only a precious few. These folks were a God-send for me and I will always be grateful.

This is not to suggest that others weren’t willing to sit with me or to answer calls, but rather it speaks to my ability at the time to share. Understanding and respecting my own needs as well as abilities.

It turns out that I was much better at supporting others in their most vulnerable pain than I was with sharing my own.

This too is different for all of us.

Who is on your team? Remember to let them know that they are appreciated and that they are helpful, it matters. They won’t know unless they are told.

Feel loving intentions when gestures are less than artful or words land in ways that are not soothing. You’re going through the most painful experience of your life and just as you are learning what is helpful, your Tribe is learning how to help you.

This is messy business. Mistakes will be made by grievers and supporters alike. As much as possible, remember that everyone is doing the best they can with this situation. Forgiveness matters.

As you process and heal your grief, as you walk your path of healing, some of your Community will quite naturally fall away. Bless them for their time and love and know that others will show up. But only if we allow and welcome them. This is a process. Step by step. One heartbeat at a time.

Your Circle of Support matters. You matter. You are loved.
​
Namaste,
Sandy

When you are ready to begin your healing journey, reach out to Sandy for your complimentary consultation. Together, we walk through grief, into healing.
https://calendly.com/serenity-1/30min
https://sandywalden.com/contact/
Connect with Sandy in her Facebook Group.